So much has happened in my life since my last post in 2009!!! The most drastic change is that I am now a WIDOW!!!! I used to think "Widows" were old!........I now know that joining this club has no age requirement! There are very few requirements for this club!!......but the membership dues are unimaginable! There is no way to save for them and they are due upon joining! Being a widow is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with!!!! Many people will argue that being a parent is.....but I bet those parents aren't widows!!! Let's make it clear that there is a big difference between being a single parent and being a widowed parent! I'm not exactly sure the best way to put it into words, but there are only a couple of similarities! There is no visitation for my children......there is only the heartbreaking loss of their father!
I am having some difficulties understanding my new role as a widowed parent.....I have two boys who will have to survive on my limited knowledge of what it is to be a teenage boy. I pray for wisdom and guidance constantly! I wish for good role models to come forward in their lives........but let's face it, everyone has busy lives and who wants to take on someone else's struggles? I know they will be fine.....but it is a struggle that I can only handle minute by minute, issue by issue, day by day.
I know now that I am a stronger person than I ever believed I was.........but I am also incredibly lonely; and I have other issues of fear to deal with! I have only spent one night in my house since the night Clint passed away........you see he passed away in our living room and it is still very hard for me to be there knowing he will never be there again. I just last week finally picked up his dirty clothes off of our bathroom floor and threw away his personal toiletries (well most of them). It was awful!!! I cried ALOT!!!!! Just remembering that feeling right now has tears rolling down my face! I keep saying to everyone in my family that I am ready to be back in there.....but I keep putting it off over and over again! I do want to be back in there.......I'm just terrified of the emptiness that I will feel without him there to kiss and hug me goodnight! People have commented to me that they think I am strong and courageous.......but they are wrong! I am a scared child who is afraid of the boogeyman called loneliness!
I used to think "Widows" were old.........now I know that being a widow makes me feel like a lost child!