Thursday, September 29, 2011

Planting my feet firmly in the sand!!!!!

It was Labor Day weekend and me and the boys were in Gulf Shores visiting Clint's brother and his family. It was supposed to be a weekend spent at the beach.............but Tropical Storm Lee put a huge dent in those plans. But then, on Sunday we had a break and the sun came out for a few hours.........Alright everyone, suit up! Time to hit the beach while we have a chance! The waves were huge and loud and the wind from TS Lee was still very strong! After a while of just being on the beach, enjoying the pure majesty of the ocean, I decided to play in the waves! It was AWESOME!!! And then, this one wave grabs me and sends me hurling toward the shore.........Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! is what was going through my mind; and with a smile firmly planted on my face, I rode in that wave for a few great moments before I was suddenly struck by the realization that I was powerless and completely at the mercy of the storm angered ocean! So I planted myself in the sand as I made it to the shore and thought to myself WOW! That was intense!.....................

Now fast forward to today.......There I was at work when all of a sudden, as if it's taken me these few weeks since Gulf Shores to figure this out,.........I realize I have been riding through life as a passenger on a wave with no control and no direction.........Just riding through life as though I had no real power myself! But that's not true.......... I do have power......... And it's time for me to plant my feet in the sand, as I did at the end of that fantastic wave, and take full charge of my life!!! Admittedly, I'm a little scared because it's been somewhat without risk to just sit in the passenger seat and watch life passing by. So now I will decide where life goes and hopefully with some divine navigation from above I will be able to live my life to the fullest and show my precious boys how to do the same! Clint would be so very proud, and I just know he was there with me riding that wave and saying........this is it Donna, time to plant your feet strong in the sand and from now on you pick the waves that will carry you on through life instead of letting them pick you!!!!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I used to think "Widows" were old........!

So much has happened in my life since my last post in 2009!!! The most drastic change is that I am now a WIDOW!!!! I used to think "Widows" were old!........I now know that joining this club has no age requirement! There are very few requirements for this club!!......but the membership dues are unimaginable! There is no way to save for them and they are due upon joining! Being a widow is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with!!!! Many people will argue that being a parent is.....but I bet those parents aren't widows!!! Let's make it clear that there is a big difference between being a single parent and being a widowed parent! I'm not exactly sure the best way to put it into words, but there are only a couple of similarities! There is no visitation for my children......there is only the heartbreaking loss of their father!

I am having some difficulties understanding my new role as a widowed parent.....I have two boys who will have to survive on my limited knowledge of what it is to be a teenage boy. I pray for wisdom and guidance constantly! I wish for good role models to come forward in their lives........but let's face it, everyone has busy lives and who wants to take on someone else's struggles? I know they will be fine.....but it is a struggle that I can only handle minute by minute, issue by issue, day by day.

I know now that I am a stronger person than I ever believed I was.........but I am also incredibly lonely; and I have other issues of fear to deal with! I have only spent one night in my house since the night Clint passed see he passed away in our living room and it is still very hard for me to be there knowing he will never be there again. I just last week finally picked up his dirty clothes off of our bathroom floor and threw away his personal toiletries (well most of them). It was awful!!! I cried ALOT!!!!! Just remembering that feeling right now has tears rolling down my face! I keep saying to everyone in my family that I am ready to be back in there.....but I keep putting it off over and over again! I do want to be back in there.......I'm just terrified of the emptiness that I will feel without him there to kiss and hug me goodnight! People have commented to me that they think I am strong and courageous.......but they are wrong! I am a scared child who is afraid of the boogeyman called loneliness!

I used to think "Widows" were I know that being a widow makes me feel like a lost child!